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Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
25 February 2017 @ 01:20 am
So I finally have a website up. I have an actual domain and a professional email. I still need to design and order business cards. It's actually giving me a bit of anxiety. I've been waiting on our tax return to purchase my website, and then I would put out a model call. Now I have the website and am realizing "Aaaaah! I actually have to put out a model call!" And I realize that I was hiding behind these steps as avoidance the whole time. And then fear slaps me in the face and I just get overwhelmed with everything that goes into starting a business. And overwhelmed with self doubt about how am I even going to do this? I don't have child care, I don't have a car of my own, my husband doesn't want to ever watch our kids, and I think I need to leave him soon anyway. What am I even doing??

But I also feel like I have to make this work. I have to overcome my shortcomings with aloofness and fully invest myself. Because I love what I do and I love creating images that people will treasure forever. And because I have GOT to start fully living.
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
18 February 2017 @ 12:48 pm
It's weird how little of my childhood with my parents I can remember. But trying to look back, it's clear that growing up with emotionally distant people has led to my dysfunctional relationships. Codependency in my first marriage especially. And a screwed up normal meter. I am not interested in blaming them at this point in my life, but I feel like it is healthy to do a self examination of my issues and where they originated if I'm ever going to heal.

Sue Bryce talks about the money wheel of misfortune, ways in which we leak money. I actually saved it as the lock screen on my phone to help remind myself to make careful choices. It's "funny", I relate to almost all of the issues to some degree (the wheel is as follows: avoidance, guilt and shame, not receiving, over giving, no boundaries, over spending, resentment, and tight fistedness). But the biggest for me is avoidance. And though she's talking about money, none of it is really about money. I have avoidance in every area of my life. If I am unhappy about something I sweep it under the rug. Sue says that if you hate something, look at it. Force yourself to face it because it doesn't just go away. Sue is way cheaper than a therapist. I <3 her.
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
06 February 2017 @ 03:11 pm
I'm in the cult of Sue Bryce now. I love her so much. She struggled with similar issues and she pulled herself up and became a success.
She talks about empowered and disempowered states. Where you let others take over for you in some facet of your life. She is so right. It is easy to mope around and blame others, blame my husband, but I will never improve my life without taking responsibility for the part I have played in it, and forming an action plan. Beyond that, she talks about learning to, not even love yourself, but not hate yourself. Learning how to just be able to see yourself and accept that this is reality. This is you. Without giving yourself hate speech, and without falling back on a crutch to numb the pain. Stop avoiding and if something hurts you, whether it be your appearance or something someone said or whatever else, instead of avoiding it you need to take a good long look at it. Instead of avoiding your emotions, allow yourself to feel whatever that pain is for 90 seconds and then move on from it.

She gave herself a challenge where she would take a selfie once a week for a year, and I've decided to do the same. I started today, and I was surprised to find that I can stand to look at it. Already on day 1, fat and tired, no makeup and hair in a messy pony tail. This is me and this is where I am at right now. I accept the reality. And for the first time in so long, I feel optimistic. I deserve my dreams and I may not be good enough (for myself), but I will be day by day. I can do this.
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
31 January 2017 @ 04:46 pm
Dustin drove drunk and I called the police on him a few weeks ago. He was back through the door before I had even finished my call, and nothing came of it, but I told him that I wanted a divorce and it felt great. He, in turn, said he wouldn't let that happen and that he would do whatever I want. That was, of course, short-lived. Never even happened, in fact. He gave up bourbon and switched to beer to taper off, but it was only a few days before he was tapering back up.
He said that he supports my photography 100% but doesn't agree with me starting a business. I asked in what way he supported it then, and he couldn't answer. I've come to the realization that I will never be successful while I am married to this person. He is toxic and he actively sabatoges me at every turn. He found out I had a bit of money and started demanding that I buy things for him. I spent more than I wanted, and when I finally said no he kept insisting and then finally took my card and left to get it himself. Now I'm broke again and he gets to shake his head and scold me for being so bad with money. Never mind that he is behind on every bill for absolutely no reason. I am the problem.
But, really, I AM the problem, though not for the reasons he gives. I am the one who put myself in this situation and let him control everything. He talks to me like I'm beneath him, and I seethe inside, but I'm still here.
I've subscribed to sue Bryce Education, and he says that she's scamming me for money. But she's amazing. She has a whole section of videos just on self value, so she's cheaper than a therapist. She talks about how she used to be and it resonates with me, painfully so. She was in a job she hated, a bad relationship, a hundred pounds overweight, broke. She had to overcome her deep belief that she wasn't good enough. Even after she started to become successful, she would push money away from herself because she wasn't good enough.
I'm not even to THAT point yet. And I never will be as long as I let dustin keep ruling my life.
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
13 January 2017 @ 07:17 pm
I've been missing my great grandmother extra lately. She wouldn't hesitate to help me. I just know it.

Last night he told me to go buy him fast food and I said I didn't want to. So he told me that he was cutting me off, no more allowance. But I can ask him for money for groceries, and he will be checking receipts.
Today he came home on his lunch break with a big bottle of bourbon. He also bought a big bottle of bourbon Wednesday, Monday, and two bottles last Friday (one was an expensive scotch). So I am bad with money, but he has spent $150 on alcohol for just one week. He is escalating and it's time to leave. Somehow.
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
02 January 2017 @ 09:03 pm
I feel so trapped. I hate it. He's escalating. Where's that fairy godmother when you need her?
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
1) Do as I say, not as I do. Their actions never seem to match up with their charming words. They have extremely high expectations in you, but don’t seem to follow those standards themselves. They are allowed to have dinner with their “crazy” ex who’s “still in love” with them, but they’ll give you the silent treatment for going out with your friends.

2) The rules apply to others, but they do not apply to me. They believe they are above the law—both legally and ethically. They feel entitled to behave however they choose, but others must be kept in line at all times. We see this in politics every single day, when our elected officials stomp across the morals they enforce upon everyone else.

3) It is always someone else’s fault. It's not their fault for lying. It's your fault for being so petty and pointing out their lie. They might also bring up your past mistakes, to prove that their lie isn't actually so bad by comparison. Someone is always out to get them, and that’s the reason behind all of their problems.

4) Anyone who points out my wrongdoings should be punished. When all else fails, you must be punished, so you learn not to point out their lies anymore. This can be done through triangulation, cheating, and most commonly—the silent treatment.

5) The perpetual victim. Their bad behavior always has sob-story roots. They learned to lie because of their abusive ex, or their abusive parent. They hate drama; all they’ve ever wanted is some peace & quiet, and yet they provoke more drama than anyone you’ve ever known. They declare their hatred of negativity, all the while calling you "hysterical" to anyone who will listen, even when you are completely ignoring them.

6) Condescending, patronizing, and superior. You feel like a child being reprimanded by an adult. They speak down to you as if you are intellectually deficient and emotionally unstable. They laugh when you try to express yourself, dismissing any concerns you might have as hyper-sensitive and crazy.

7) Lies & excuses. Hypocrites have excuses for everything. You will find that they spend a lot more time excusing their behavior than ever actually improving it. Instead of apologizing or admitting fault, they simply ignore reality & argue with solid evidence when confronted with it. Survivors also often notice that psychopaths seem to enjoy the thrill of lying. Sometimes it seems they've planted evidence that actually allows you to catch them. They lie even when the truth would suffice. Why? Because duping others is what they do. It is the only highlight of their otherwise insufferably boring lives. (Pathological lying)​

On the other end of the spectrum, here is their ideal target in relationships, the workplace, and government:
1) Actions over words. Healthy, humble individuals do not constantly talk about the good things they have done, because it would be arrogant and uncomfortable. Instead, they prove it with their actions, which are intentionally ignored by hypocrites who can simply invent fake virtues with fake words.
I'm including this one because it highlights a behavior that he is constantly engaging in. He can't play with the kids for five minutes without spending the next twenty patting himself on the back for it, and aggressively trying to get me to lavish him with praise too. 80% of the words that come out of his mouth are tooting his own horn.
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
21 December 2016 @ 11:58 am
I've had some photo sessions recently, and it has given me more confidence. I'm working on a website now and starting to research marketing. My last client was kind of stressed during the session for her toddler. In typical kid fashion, she was not cooperative. I tried to reassure her that I got plenty of beautiful shots, but she wasn't confident. I delivered her gallery, and she said that she's not normally a gusher but she is in love with them. It makes me so happy. Many people constantly post pictures of their children that they took with their phone. I hope the portraits I have taken will be cherished for years to come.

Dustin, of course, has not been supportive at all. He told his siblings that I'm too dumb and passive and cheap, but at least he won't have to watch the kids for my next gig at a birthday party, and then he bragged to me about how he bragged about me. He won't even glance at a photo if I ask, but he plays his guitar at midnight more nights than not and wants me to stop what I'm doing to fawn over him. He has even told me that he doesn't want me to do these photo shoots anymore because I don't charge enough, and it costs him money and gas. Makes total sense. The $100 per session I get costs him money. I should go back to earning $0. I'm just starting out. I didn't even have a portfolio. I do intend to raise my prices eventually, but I think they are appropriate for where I'm at.

His drinking has gotten worse, his behavior has gotten worse, and he regularly calls out of work. I am drained emotionally. I think it's time to finally woman up and get the kids out of this situation before they are conscious of it. It's just money that is an issue. :/ It's a scary leap to make, not knowing if I will be able to be successful. But it's clearly the right thing to do.
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
09 December 2016 @ 12:04 am
I'm working on building a website. I'm at odds with myself all the way. I can't actually be successful at this. I'm not actually very good. I know this. Yet I'm still inching forward. I have to do something. I can't just be a loser all my life. Can I? What if I could build a successful business and then build a whole new life?

So I'm struggling. Trying to learn about all of these different things. SEOs and contracts and trying to figure out how to price myself. I have a photo session this weekend and next. I just kind of stumbled into them, thanks to some nudging from my first client and friend.

I don't even know that I should be doing this. The market is over-saturated with photographers. You have to really stand out in order to succeed and I just don't think that I do. It's weird though. Suddenly I have a reputation of being good, and it gives me anxiety. I feel like every image I take is being scrutinized. I just wanted to improve and get better for the sake of my own satisfaction.
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
22 November 2016 @ 02:56 am
The early cars
Already are
Drawing deep breaths past my door
And last night's phrases
Sick with lack of basis
Are still writhing on my floor

And it doesn't seem fair
That your wicked words should work
In holding me down
And it doesn't seem right
To take information
Given at close range
For the gag
And the bind
And the ammunition round

Conversation once colored by esteem
Became dialogue as a diagram of a play for blood
Took a vacation, my palate got clean
Now I can taste your agenda
While you're spitting your cud

And it doesn't make sense
I should fall for the kingcraft
of a meritless crown
No, it doesn't seem right
To take information
Given at close range
For the gag
And the bind
And the ammunition round

This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I can't stop falling out

This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I can't stop falling out
I miss that stupid ache

"What is this posture
I have to stare at?"
That's what he said when I was sittin' up straight.
Change the name of the game
'Cause he lost
He knew he was wrong but he knew it too late.
But I'm not being fair
'Cause I chose to listen to that filthy mouth
But I'd like to choose right,
Take all the things that I said that he stole,
Put 'em in a sack
Swing 'em over your shoulder
Turn on my heels
Step out of this sight
Try to live in a lovelier light

This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I cant stop falling out

This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I cant stop falling out
I miss that stupid ache...