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Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
09 December 2016 @ 12:04 am
I'm working on building a website. I'm at odds with myself all the way. I can't actually be successful at this. I'm not actually very good. I know this. Yet I'm still inching forward. I have to do something. I can't just be a loser all my life. Can I? What if I could build a successful business and then build a whole new life?

So I'm struggling. Trying to learn about all of these different things. SEOs and contracts and trying to figure out how to price myself. I have a photo session this weekend and next. I just kind of stumbled into them, thanks to some nudging from my first client and friend.

I don't even know that I should be doing this. The market is over-saturated with photographers. You have to really stand out in order to succeed and I just don't think that I do. It's weird though. Suddenly I have a reputation of being good, and it gives me anxiety. I feel like every image I take is being scrutinized. I just wanted to improve and get better for the sake of my own satisfaction.
 
 
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
22 November 2016 @ 02:56 am
The early cars
Already are
Drawing deep breaths past my door
And last night's phrases
Sick with lack of basis
Are still writhing on my floor

And it doesn't seem fair
That your wicked words should work
In holding me down
And it doesn't seem right
To take information
Given at close range
For the gag
And the bind
And the ammunition round

Conversation once colored by esteem
Became dialogue as a diagram of a play for blood
Took a vacation, my palate got clean
Now I can taste your agenda
While you're spitting your cud

And it doesn't make sense
I should fall for the kingcraft
of a meritless crown
No, it doesn't seem right
To take information
Given at close range
For the gag
And the bind
And the ammunition round

This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I can't stop falling out

This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I can't stop falling out
I miss that stupid ache

"What is this posture
I have to stare at?"
That's what he said when I was sittin' up straight.
Change the name of the game
'Cause he lost
He knew he was wrong but he knew it too late.
But I'm not being fair
'Cause I chose to listen to that filthy mouth
But I'd like to choose right,
Take all the things that I said that he stole,
Put 'em in a sack
Swing 'em over your shoulder
Turn on my heels
Step out of this sight
Try to live in a lovelier light

This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I cant stop falling out

This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I cant stop falling out
I miss that stupid ache...
 
 
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
22 November 2016 @ 02:21 am
Like a bird on the wire
Like a drunk in a midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free

I guess it's strange to keep returning here. For an audience of no one on a site that is no longer relevant. Just throwing my grievances out into the abyss.
 
 
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
I did a photo shoot for my friend last week. It was supposed to be free, but they paid me $120. I'm so proud of the images that came out of it. She's really happy with them, and I am honored to document these memories for her. And now another friend wants to hire me! I have no idea what to charge her, but it's pretty exciting.

I do need to stay focused and move forward in the process to enroll at acc. I've been thinking about accounting. It's a stable career with plenty of growth. Sometimes I feel like it's too late to pursue another degree or career. I'm not getting any younger.
 
 
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
07 October 2016 @ 11:35 pm
Things were getting better for a while, but I'm growing increasingly concerned. He hasn't been calling me names or having violent outbursts since he started taking Prozac. But his drinking has increased dramatically and I think he uses medications recreationally. He takes adderall, xanax, Valium. They are prescribed but he will take them while drinking and more than the dosage. He sometimes acts erratically and doesn't remember what happened the next day. He will also take things just because. His boss has given him a few pain pills or ambien. I just discovered that he took some leftover muscle relaxers from when I hurt my back in December.
I told him that I read that xanax and alcohol is a very dangerous combination, but he just said that I was wrong. I think he's on something tonight. He picked a fight, got up in my face, and refused to leave me alone after I repeatedly asked him to stop.
 
 
 
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
22 June 2016 @ 01:06 am
I was right to feel tense. He wanted to have sex and I declined, which almost never happens. He started taking about how ugly and fat I am. Complaining that I never do anything for him, so what is the point. That's a laugh. He treats me like his personal assistant/sex doll. I'm constantly doing things for him. He just doesn't care.

I keep finding myself spiraling emotionally and I need to snap out of it. I generally just push it all down but sometimes it becomes overwhelming.
 
 
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
21 June 2016 @ 10:22 pm
I feel like he's getting worse. He used to just say nasty things part of the time. But now there's a vibe. The air is so heavy with him around. I feel nervous. He will either give me another talking to about how he is unhappy. Or he will hurt me. I never used to feel scared like that, but now I am scared of him. His drinking is worse. He has been popping his medications. I am worried.
 
 
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
18 June 2016 @ 12:46 pm
1. You're told something is normal that you can feel deep in your bones is not. Say your husband (or partner or boyfriend or even friend) does something you find strange. Like ask you to lie for him. You don't think this is right. You say so. He comes back with something like, "Every wife would do this. We're a team. I'm in trouble and I need you. I can't believe you don't think that this is normal. There is something wrong with you!"

2. You're told you are paranoid, too sensitive, or stressed out. Again, something strange happens. Your husband is seen out with a woman you don't know. You ask him about it. He has some vague explanation but then tops it off with, "Really, honey, you are totally paranoid to think I'd be cheating on you. Are you hormonal? Maybe you need to see a therapist."

3. You start to exhibit "crazy" behavior. You find yourself doing things that you couldn't imagine doing before you were with your man. Like questioning every time he goes out; accusing him of things that may or may not be true; going through the garbage to find "evidence" that he's lying to you again. You may find yourself desperately scouring the aisles of a grocery store, determined to get the right kind of pasta sauce so you don't "disappoint" him again, and end up having a meltdown when you find they're out of Classico.

4. You mistrust your perceptions. You're constantly being told that what you're seeing, hearing, feeling isn't what you're seeing, hearing, feeling. You tell a joke at a party and everyone laughs, but your husband later tells you you weren't funny. You look in the mirror and see someone who is thin, but he tells you you've gained weight. You've always thought you were smart, but somehow with your husband, you always feel dumb.

5. You begin to accept his perceptions, even though they don't seem true. You were at a restaurant with your husband and struck up a quick conversation with the waiter. Your husband tells you were being flirtacious. "Was I being flirtacious?" you ask yourself, even though that wasn't your intention at all. "I must have been and don't realize it." You ask what you think is a reasonable question only to be told you are harping. "Am I harping?" you think. "Maybe I am a nag."

6. You start to feel like your memory is terrible. Your husband is always saying something to the effect of, "I never said that, did that, promised that," to things you're pretty certain he said, did, or promised. He might tell you that he "never" gets on Facebook, but when you see him on Facebook and mention it, he says, "I didn't say I never went on Facebook. I just hardly go on it." Then you see him on it the next day. And the next.

7. You start to feel like your spouse has a terrible memory. You can have a deep conversation one night about something important to you, only to have your spouse say later, "We never talked about that," "I definitely never said that," or "Did you dream this?" You might get tempted to record conversations just so you can keep them straight.

8. You start lying. In order to avoid all of the mental abuse you'll know you'll get if you say a, b, or c, you start to lie. You were never a liar in the past. You don't lie to other people.

9. You begin to think you're crazy. You have thoughts like, "Maybe he's right and I'm just totally overreacting. I am always overreacting," or "There must be something wrong with me that I'm always on him about stupid things."

10. Depression. The end stage of being gaslighted is that you feel depressed, anxious, unsure, and hopeless. Does he care or not care? Are you oversensitive or do you have a right to complain? You end up getting so confused and disoriented that you check out into depression.
 
 
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
09 May 2016 @ 01:26 pm
I don't know how I ended up with such awesome kids, but they are the best people I know. Miles is sweet and funny, and he has a killer imagination. Violet is a tough little thing. She is so expressive and smart, and utterly fearless.
 
 
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
02 May 2016 @ 12:38 am
Blue morning Blue morning
Wrapped in strands of fist and bone
Curiosity, Kitten, doesn't have to mean you're on your own
You can look outside your window
He doesn't have to know
We can talk awhile, baby
We can take it nice and slow

All your life is such a shame
All your love is just a dream

Are you happy where you're sleeping?
Does he keep you safe and warm?
Does he tell you when you're sorry?
Does he tell you when you're wrong?
I've been watching you for hours
It's been years since we were born
We were perfect when we started
I've been wondering where we've gone

All your life is such a shame
All your love is just a dream

I dreamt I saw you walking up a hillside in the snow
Casting shadows on the winter sky as you stood there counting crows
One for sorrow
Two for joy
Three for girls and four for boys
Five for silver
Six for gold and
Seven for a secret never to be told

There's a bird that nests inside you
Sleeping underneath your skin
When you open up your wings to speak
I wish you'd let me in

All your life is such a shame
All your love is just a dream
Open up your eyes
You can see the flames
of your wasted life
You should be ashamed

You don't want to waste your life

I walk along these hillsides in the summer 'neath the sunshine
I am feathered by the moonlight falling down on me