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Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
09 May 2016 @ 01:26 pm
I don't know how I ended up with such awesome kids, but they are the best people I know. Miles is sweet and funny, and he has a killer imagination. Violet is a tough little thing. She is so expressive and smart, and utterly fearless.
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
02 May 2016 @ 12:38 am
Blue morning Blue morning
Wrapped in strands of fist and bone
Curiosity, Kitten, doesn't have to mean you're on your own
You can look outside your window
He doesn't have to know
We can talk awhile, baby
We can take it nice and slow

All your life is such a shame
All your love is just a dream

Are you happy where you're sleeping?
Does he keep you safe and warm?
Does he tell you when you're sorry?
Does he tell you when you're wrong?
I've been watching you for hours
It's been years since we were born
We were perfect when we started
I've been wondering where we've gone

All your life is such a shame
All your love is just a dream

I dreamt I saw you walking up a hillside in the snow
Casting shadows on the winter sky as you stood there counting crows
One for sorrow
Two for joy
Three for girls and four for boys
Five for silver
Six for gold and
Seven for a secret never to be told

There's a bird that nests inside you
Sleeping underneath your skin
When you open up your wings to speak
I wish you'd let me in

All your life is such a shame
All your love is just a dream
Open up your eyes
You can see the flames
of your wasted life
You should be ashamed

You don't want to waste your life

I walk along these hillsides in the summer 'neath the sunshine
I am feathered by the moonlight falling down on me
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
05 April 2016 @ 10:34 pm
How many crimes can I try spotting dry before it leaves a stain?
How many times say that I love you till it doesn't mean a thing?
How many fittings must I sit through with my big feet blistering?
How many times until it strips me and my big mouth strikes again?

I'm not asking to go dancing
I'm not that dumb anymore
It's exhausting to keep smiling
When your toes are bleeding on the floor
It's a gory sort of story
That's been told a hundred times before
Don't be sorry, just ignore me

Because honestly
I'm too sore from fitting exactly
to ride into setting suns
to stand on my own two feet
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
12 February 2016 @ 10:08 pm
I bought an entry level dslr last year, and photography is becoming a new obsession. I've started shooting subjects other than just the kids, and taking my camera every where as too often I have thought "I wish I could take a picture of that." I was posting pictures on facebook, but Dustin knocked me down a peg. He said that nobody wanted to see pictures that weren't of the kids. and I should put all of that crap into an album called "I want to be an artist" so no one would have to skim through them while looking for pics of the kids. A couple of my relatives went through my most recent pictures and liked every single one of the kids, ignoring the rest, as if to illustrate his point. What he said was really hurtful, mostly because it was true. I have removed most of the images and opened a flickr account. Still, you would expect your spouse, of all people, to take an interest in your passions, or at least feign one.

You'll never touch - these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown - to you

Like a bird on the wire
Like a drunk in a midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
28 January 2016 @ 09:31 pm
He just put his hand around my throat and screamed in my face.
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
27 January 2016 @ 12:56 am
I started miscarrying early this morning, and I ended up having to get a d&c because I was bleeding too much. Not the most pleasant experience, and I was pretty freaked out to tell the truth, but I do feel better now that it's over. I've never had any kind of surgery or general anesthesia before. I remember taking deep breaths into the cup and feeling frustrated because it wasn't working, and then some vague dream I don't remember and I was waking up in a different unfamiliar place. I was under the impression that it would be s fun kind of high, but instead I was very disoriented and crying, and they had to give me something to calm me down.

I am thankful that I found out about the strong possibility of a blighted ovum last week before I started bleeding. I'm actually doing pretty okay. Baby was a surprise and the timing wasn't good. I am sorrowful about what could have been, but it helps that I have two beautiful children to look after.
Dustin has actually been really helpful and caring today for the most part, though he also didn't have much of a choice. He had to take care of the kids when I was physically unable to and during my absence. He had no idea what he was doing. :p but they're both still alive, so all is well that ends well.
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
23 January 2016 @ 12:04 am
I found out yesterday that it's probably a blighted ovum. I have blood work and another ultrasound scheduled for next week, but based on when I got a positive test I already know the outcome. I certainly had my misgivings about the pregnancy, but I can't help but feel sad. Only to an extent though. I have two beautiful children to take care of. I don't have the luxury of being able to fall apart. And they really are two amazing little people. I'm so proud to be their mom.
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
18 December 2015 @ 10:02 pm
Dustin wears this one ugly shirt all the time at home. I brought it up and he suggested I buy him some new tee shirts. So I did, taking a long time and deliberating. I felt good about my selections. And then I came home and he screamed at me that he told me to get what I like, not what I think he would like. And that I fucked up and am a real asshole.

I don't know why I thought it would be any different.
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
17 October 2015 @ 11:25 pm
Sometimes I fantasize about someone rescuing me from this self-imposed prison. I hate myself for it. And besides, I'm not worth being rescued. Every day I want to be better for my children, for myself, and every day I fail.

He actually went out with us today. To a pumpkin fest I take Miles to every year, to Red Lobster, and then to his mom's house to hide off his tent in preparation for his upcoming camping trip. Tonight, he complained that I didn't give him enough accolades for going, especially for going to a restaurant with the kids - something he has never done. I started to say that the kids and I did like that he came, but he interrupted me to keep complaining about my lack of appreciation.

Okay, but he also complained for the duration of the pumpkin fest, ran up a bill at red lobster and then told me to pay when the bill came (and is refusing to give me the money he agreed upon for groceries and my credit card balance), and was outside by himself when we went to his mom's. Who demands praise for just having s normal day with their family?

He also really ruined any good will garnered with his behavior this evening. Overreacting and shouting and then spanking Miles, messaging me articles about football player head traumas when Violet bumped her head against the wall. He didn't even make sure she was okay before he started blaming me and lecturing me like a child. He was standing that I admit I was wrong and apologize. She fell and bumped her head! It's not something I did to her, but despite not even being in the room when it happened he insists it was due to my negligence.

And then he went through every picture I posted of today on fb, critiquing and complaining. He got mad for not adding the caption he had told me to write on one, so I added it and then he called me stupid because the wording was not right.

I always sweep everything under the rug, but then he acts sbusive and his true colors emerge. And it becomes clear how repulsive he is and how utterly foolish I am for sticking around to be someone's verbal punching bag.
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again
02 October 2015 @ 02:51 pm
Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievement).
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty,
or ideal love.
Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status peopleRequires excessive admiration.
Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations).

Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends).
Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
Show arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

Wow, I bolded everything. :/

Copied from http://www.narcissistswife.com/19-signs-married-to-a-narcissist/
Married to a Narcissist

5. He doesn’t care about your feelings, thoughts or ideas.

Anything you say in relation to yourself will be dismissed, ignored, or made fun of. Your thoughts, opinions, and beliefs are all irrelevant to him, as he sees himself as the final word on you and your life. Your life is there to revolve around him. His attitude is “What I want, feel, think or believe is all that matters, so I don’t bother taking seriously what you say, especially when it differs from my thoughts or preferences.” This attitude can be so extreme he may not even later recall you ever said anything at all.

6. Everything is always all about him

When you’re married to a narcissist, everything is about him, his wants, needs, and desires. Everything will be planned according to his schedule and wishes. If he doesn’t want to go out that night, you won’t, if he does, you will. And if you don’t want to go, he will go without you and later start a big fight about it.

Conversations will be about him, about his day, his work, his hobbies, his friends. If you try to interject about your own life, he will make that about him as well, by giving you advice on how you should have behaved in a situation (even if there
was no problems) or by mocking or dismissing the events. Pretty soon you will stop telling him about yourself, because the conversations go so poorly. It’s easier to keep the conversations about him.

7. He doesn’t live by anyone else’s rules

Narcissists feel that they are special and above others, so rules don’t apply to them. Standard social graces are optional, and he is entitled to judge everyone else on how they live. Even, or maybe especially, expectations of the relationship by a partner are dismissed and the relationship becomes molded to the narcissists needs and desires, with the needs and desires of the partner being completely ignored. However, for himself, he is allowed anything his heart desires and expects to be treated like a king with no consequences.

8. He doesn’t want to hear about your issues

A narcissist will get upset or irritated if you start talking to them about your issues or concerns, especially if your concerns are over their behavior.Do not expect to be able to have a “talk” with a narcissist if there is something bothering you about your relationship. Anything you say will be taken as a personal attack and they will fight you aggressively over it. Indeed, you may end up apologizing when in fact he was the one out of line.

Even if they don’t take it personally, narcs have no ability to empathize with another person and so cannot understand why you’re upset. They will likely ignore your feelings since it has nothing to do with them and you will end up hurt twice and confused as to why your partner has emotionally abandoned you.

9. When you guys argue, it’s always your fault

No matter what he has done, it comes back to being your fault.
If he’s flirting with another woman, is because you were ignoring him. He will never admit blame or accept responsibility for his actions or the pain he has inflicted on you. BUT, you must apologize for distressing him even in the slightest of ways. He is quick to blame you for any foul mood or upset he may encounter. I can probably count on two hands the number of times the words I’m sorry have crossed his lips in the last 12 years of our relationship. And none of those were genuine apologies, it was just another attempt to mollify and control me.

10. If he’s angry, it’s also your fault

This is a common tactic of abusers, You made me mad. I’m only mad because you
… !” He accepts no responsibility for controlling his own temper or actions taken when angry, In fact, he blames the whole thing on you and the way you made him feel. You may come away resolving to be a better wife/girlfriend to save the relationship, after all, you’re the one breaking it! This is another way he controls you and manipulates you into staying under his thumb and accepting his abuse.

11. Narcissists need to put you down to build themselves up.

When you are married to a narcissist (or dating), they will not treat you like an equal partner. In fact, that is the opposite of what they want. What they really want is someone to control, an object, not a human with emotions and feelings. They won’t like it if you’re not performing (bringing in enough income, taking care of the house and/or children up to their standards, or generally not living up to whatever productive role they have assigned to you in their life), but they will hate it even more if you’re better than them.

Narc’s are extremely competitive and need to be the best at whatever they do. They will make you feel like you’re a child and they the parent in whatever you’re doing, even if you really do know more than they do on the subject or are indeed better at it than they are. They are extremely arrogant and cannot admit to not being the best at something.

Anything you accomplish will be diminished or ignored, and anything he accomplishes will be praised and talked about FOREVER. Especially in situations where you are actually more proficient than he is.

12. You constantly feel like you’re walking on eggshells

One of the most frequent complaints when you’re married to a narcissist is the feeling of walking on eggshells. Anything you say or do could start a fight or be taken as an insult. Anything you don’t say could be taken the same way, so time spent together is constantly anxiety inducing for the partner of a narcissist. You feel as though you might be attacked at any moment with accusations of how you haven’t met their expectations, or have disappointed them in some way. Common “communications” include the use of aggression to express anger and rage, which may also show up as physical abuse at the extreme end.

I have gotten to the point of not accepting ANY emotion from him as genuine. Rage or “happiness”. I don’t relax in his presence, because he could change on a whim. Also, even when he’s happy, he still manages to shoot little barbs and put downs at me, especially in the company of his family or friends. Being with him is exhausting.

13. Your partner is obsessed with control

I have noticed in my relationship that anytime that he feels like control is slipping away (I have a bank account he has no access to for my school loan, for instance), his anger will surge and we have a big problem. This does not have to be the subject of the argument. In the case of my school account, I have no ability to add him to the account, even if he were to ask. So he will direct his anger in another direction and lash out at me for something else.

Narcissists expect that they are the center of the universe and so should be able to control the outcome of any situation. They expect to have people respond exactly as they want.

This can show up in something as small as the guests at a party not responding in the way the narcissist expects, or by you requesting his presence at an event he doesn’t want to go to. While these might be events you or I might not even register, or would accept without another thought as part of a give and take relationship, the narcissist can experience this as a huge loss of control and take it as a personal insult.

This controlling may also show up in your finances. Having a partner who manages your joint finances, tells you how things are financially and shares access your joint funds is a common relationship scenario. However, you’ll notice that when your married to a narcissist, he may insist on controlling all the finances without letting you have access to them, may not communicate where the money is going, and might fly into a rage if you spend even $5 more than you/he expected. This behavior is considered financial abuse and is another form of domestic violence. He uses your lack of available funds to further trap you in the relationship.

14. Your partner never hesitates to confront you or others in social situations where he feels he has been wronged

The narcissist’s first response is to confront, attack, blame and criticize. They never take any real responsibility for their actions or complaints you may have against them, instead turning the criticism back on you and making you the source of the problem, i.e. I only do this because you do that or that’s nothing compared to this bad thing YOU have done. There is often no filter on their thoughts
, and they will not hesitate to make a scene in a public setting or with friends and family (Dustin usually will hesitate to make a public scene though. His image and being perceived in a good light is his top priority). It can feel like you’re watching a toddler throw a tantrum, yet everyone stands around and no-one knows what to do.

Now that I know his pattern and can see his behavior objectively (part of the time) it’s almost comical the lengths he will go to in his temper tantrums, and the horrible self-centered things that come out of his mouth. I believe narcs are never more of who they truly are than when they are in the grip of their rage. Pay attention to what they say in the heat of anger, it’s probably the most honest they will ever be with you.

15. Your partner is unable to feel empathy for you and has great difficulty appreciating the feelings and needs of others

While being married to a narcissist, I have repeatedly been shocked and disgusted by the comments he makes in passing concerning other people who have had something bad happen to them or have made a bad choice. He constantly puts down “fat” (anyone over the ideal weight) people, “dumb” people, and anyone who attracts his attention for being “less” than himself. Watching the news is usually pretty disgusting, because of his comments. He has NO ability to even slightly imagine how he might feel in that situation. There is NO empathy for anyone, strangers, family, spouse, or children. I often have to try and make him stop with the children as he is punishing them for having feelings he doesn’t agree with. Yelling at your kid for crying does not help the problem!

In your relationship, you may feel like discussions are all about your partner’s feelings, but very little, if any, acknowledgement is made of your feelings. You may frequently be left feeling frustrated and misunderstood by your partner and that your needs have not been taken into account. (I spent many years thinking if I could just get him to understand how he was making me feel, he would stop. There were many wasted tears trying to talk to him about how he was hurting me, and many nights going to bed so confused because my attempts to talk turned into a huge fight and an inquisition of all the things I was doing that “hurt” him). You’ve probably also spent a lot of time trying to calm and acknowledge your partner’s feelings and make sure their needs are met.

16. Everything depends on them

When you’re married to a narcissist, you cannot make plans unless he wants to, you cannot hang out with your friends unless he is okay with it, and basically everything you do depends on his opinion of it. One of the biggest signs you’re with a narcissist is if everything in your relationship depends on him and his opinion of things. Look at your relationship objectively and see if you are allowed to take the lead on anything, or if it all is reliant on his opinions. If he gives you a hard time or the cold shoulder for having a girls night (or if you have stopped having them altogether because its simpler to just stay home), if you can’t make any plans without checking to see if he wants to, if he puts off, stalls, or makes you late to events you want to participate in, you may have a narcissist on your hands.

17. Constantly Needs Your Attention

Narcs believe the world is all about them, your world especially should put his needs first. They will constantly be requiring your attention, even after the arrival of a new baby and above the requirements of the children and yourself. Having a headache will not be an acceptable “get out of sex” card, and no matter how busy you are, you should be sure to get his laundry, ironing, lunch, whatever, all ready for him.

Complements are mandatory, and you will need to keep them coming to him all the time. My narcissist recently started texting me selfies expecting compliments, during the day. And the fact that I have not complemented his recently more muscled arms has been the subject of a fight or two. They seem insecure, but in reality, they just want praise and for you to be admiring them and ignoring everyone else.

18. He Puts Himself First

When you’re married to a narcissist, he will put himself first, before any of your needs, before your kid’s needs, before any financial obligations or work requirements. Before any saving or preparing for your future or getting out of debt. His needs, wants, and image are his first priorities and everything else comes second. He will spend money on things for himself and not pay the electric bill. He will be buying himself a new hat, or shirt, or recreational drug, and tell you “we don’t have enough money” for diapers or groceries. He believes he is more important than you, and that he deserves to treat himself because he works “so hard” for his money. Any money you contribute to the family will also be considered his.

Any needs you have that you bring to his attention, he will ignore, blow off, and/or be annoyed by. I have been told over and over again that all he hears from me is “I want, I want, I want”. When in reality I was telling him that we needed groceries, or that I needed new jeans because my one pair ripped, or that I needed something like glasses because it has been 4+ years. While he is spending thousands of dollars on tattoos (seriously).

When they come and turn off the water, gas, or cable because he hasn’t paid the bill, he will be annoyed that they could do something like that, not upset that you’re now without water or heat until he pays the bill.

19. You feel as though there is a dark cloud in your home.

This is probably number one for me. As an empath, I tend to pick up on others feelings. I can’t even put a solid name to it, but it feels as though there is a darkness in my home when he is here. Anytime I did/do something he doesn’t particularly like, it grows and takes over the entire atmosphere of the house. The disapproval is almost tangible, even when he says nothing. There is never acceptance or intimacy here.